Alex: We are closing in on the 12 days of Christmas here and it’s very possible that you either got your true love a partridge in a pear tree last year and they don’t need another one or that they just don’t need one in the first place. So why not give them gift of the much more practical gift of watching one of these great movies together and basking in their golden, cinematic rings?
Why, I’m really asking you? If the reason is because you haven’t had time to read my long, dissections of these movies so far because what you really need are just some quick takes on other ones then you, my busy friend, are in luck. In luck or maybe even psychic because that is exactly what I happen to have for you below:
Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus – We all know that the Stonecutters made Steve Guttenberg a star, in addition to all the many other global functions they control, but come on, we’re supposed to believe he is the son of Santa? And he chooses the chick from Wings to be his Mrs. Claus? And she’s a single-mom who doesn’t believe in Santa? 3.5 Eggnogs?
Meet the Santas – This is actually the sequel to Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus. I wish they had told me that earlier because I would have either watched it sooner or done something to stop it from every getting made, depending on when I found out. Guttenberg is now taking over as jolly old St. Nick but can Crystal Bernard measure up as a Mrs. Claus? All I know for sure is that her character’s dad killed her mom and is pretending to be her. And the only thing more insane than all of this is the music for this film. There are times where you can’t even hear what the actors are saying because the score is so damn loud. Maybe that’s all part of the grand design though. 3 Eggnogs.
Holidaze – I should have mentioned this earlier but the ABC Family makes some of these original Christmas movies too. Ironically, despite being called ABC Family, they are generally a little raunchier than the Hallmark/Lifetime/Ion ones. Like there is sex and more relevant pop culture references. This one stars Jennie Garth and I guy I don’t like and isn’t enough about Christmas. But it does feature one of those alternate reality plotlines I always find watchable at worst. 2 Eggnogs.
All About Christmas Eve – Between this and the movie I just reviewed, Christmas Belle, Haylie Duff is off to a pretty good start here. Will she make it 3-for-3 with Hats Off For Christmas this weekend? How the hell should I know? You’re the one who’s potentially psychic. All I can do is see into the past and to a limited degree, the present. So all I can tell that AACE also involves an alternate reality, but it’s two concurrent ones, kind of like the movie, Sliding Doors or Howard the Duck in real life. 3.5 Eggnogs
Christmas Twister – I actually haven’t seen this one but love the title. Either it’s about a tornado during Christmas time or something cruel you do to a brother or sister, ala the Wet Willy or Hertz Donut. Either way, I’m happy!
Christmas Crash – Can you believe Michael Madsen was in one of these things? And what’s even stranger is that it probably has more in common with Reservoir Dogs than say, Annie Claus is Coming to Town. There are gangsters and corruption and a chick from Baywatch who was not one of the hot ones and even though it’s also about a husband and wife re-heating their relationship, they do so via a plane crash and murder attempt. So there’s a little something here for everyone. 3.5 Eggnogs.
Hitched for the Holidays – While Mayim Bialik has found new life on the Big Bang Theory and Jenna von Oy has blazed new trails for people named “Six”, Joey Lawrence is not doing too badly for himself either. He plays a guy who needs a girl to pretend to be his girlfriend for a while and you know what I say about all fake romances, right? They have a 100% success rate of turning into real ones. In movies and in life. This one’s even better because she’s Jewish and he’s Christian and they both have to also pretend like they are the other faith. 4 Eggnogs.
Comfort and Joy – I couldn’t stand her as the tough-talking tomboy, Jo, on Facts of Life, but I really ended up liking Nancy McKeon in this movie. She plays a business lady who is all-business and has to do business work over the holidays when she crashes into a pole and wakes up in another reality, like so many of us do every day. She is now a mother and homemaker and married to a guy she used to date years ago before she decided business was more important. But guess what, Nancy McKeon? Turns out you had it all wrong. Business – 0, Family – 2,674,371. Family’s defense is shutting them down so far. But how much time is left in the quarter? 4 Eggnogs, that’s how much.